i want what barbra and bill have..so much that it can make me sick sometimes. it wouldnt be the first time though. i'm ready for my future to get here, if that makes any sense. i really think we're gonna get married even though i dont have that feeling for him....yet. i dont see why the light wont break through one day and show me that i really do care for him the way he wants me to. he's everything i've ever wanted in a guy with the exception of a few petty things that i could get over. why does life have to be so hard?

she really can make me feel a lot better about things. she knows a lot and makes a lot of freakin sense. i hope to be like her one day. i've recently found out that i can go to her with just about anything and she wouldnt judge me for anything in the world. she refers to them as my 'sisters' now haha i find that funny. she wants what's best for me and she tries to steer me in that direction as best as possible. if my dad were to ever get married again i'd want that lady to be just like her.

i've been worrying a lot lately about things i shouldnt even be worrying about right now. we'll cross that bridge when we get there, right? i wish that was the way i thought.

i need to start applying for colleges and scholarships. i thought i knew where i wanted to go to college but things have changed. i'd still like to go to harding, dont get me wrong, i just dont want to go as much as i used to. plus, i need to go somewhere that doesnt cost too much money. i hate decisions.

i dont know why i seek her approval so much. maybe if i knew then i could fix it and stop worrying myself over something so stupid.

did i mention that i hate my body?

okay, so i've decided that i'm fanny brice.
"i'm the greatest star, i am by far, but no one knows it. that's why i was born..i'll blow my horn til someone blows it. i'll light up like a light..right up like a light. i'll flicker than flare up. all the world's gonna stare up. lookin down you'll never see me..try the sky cause that'll be me! i can make 'em cry, i can make 'em sigh. someday they'll clamor for my 'drammer.' have ya guess yet who's the best yet? if ya aint i'll tell ya one more time. you bet you last dime in all of the world so far, i am the greatest, greatest star!" (sang by barbara streisand in the movie funny girl..story of fanny brice)
^^^remember that. you'll be seeing my name in lights one day and you can be like "i remember when she predicted this on her xanga"

the senior play is tonight! :) i'm so excited! i've been waiting for so long to see it!! AHH! haha :)
i really wanna know why our's is gonna be. i'm gonna try harder than i ever have before to get the lead...even if it kills me. i dont know why it's so important to me haha it's just the senior play. oh well.
i've been having stage withdrawals lately. i'm ready to get back into a play and perform! dangit.

"i'm a bagel on a plate full of onion rolls"

i cant do this anymore. i'm surprised i havent broke down in tears yet. i wish someone could help me..i really do. and i wish it was him. i have to stop. is this even healthy? probably not. i hate this feeling. it's gotta be the worst feeling in the world and i wish it were dead. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! i wish i did. then i wouldnt be in this situation.

ugh. i'm gonna go read my book and not think about this. but hey..it's just gonna come back in my dream in one form or fashion. i wish God would send me a sign as to what i should do. i've asked him every night these past few weeks and nothing has happened. maybe that's what i should do. nothing.

news flash: I CANT JUST SIT HERE AND DO NOTHING. there has to be something i need to do. just something.

i cant do this anymore. i'm surprised i havent broke down in tears yet. i wish someone could help me..i really do. and i wish it was him. i have to stop. is this even healthy? probably not. i hate this feeling. it's gotta be the worst feeling in the world and i wish it were dead. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! i wish i did. then i wouldnt be in this situation.

ugh. i'm gonna go read my book and not think about this. but hey..it's just gonna come back in my dream in one form or fashion. i wish God would send me a sign as to what i should do. i've asked him every night these past few weeks and nothing has happened. maybe that's what i should do. nothing.

news flash: I CANT JUST SIT HERE AND DO NOTHING.